|T O P I C R E V I E W
||Posted - 10/01/2012 : 10:29:01 AM
I'm starting this new thread as a place to post jokes, videos, pictures and just about any other off topic thing you want to put here.
Two reasons for doing this.
One, it helps cut down on the number of threads in the Lounge.
Second, it makes finding videos, pictures or jokes that were posted in the past easier to find.
I've tried finding things that were posted and wanted to see again but sometimes I just couldn't find it.
I hope everyone enjoys this thread and even contributes to it from time to time.
|15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First)
||Posted - 01/19/2020 : 8:19:27 PM
Tech Support: OK, now right click.
Customer: Which one's that?
Tech Support: On the right side of the mouse.
Customer: I'm left handed.
Tech Support: OK, well, look at the mouse and click whichever button you don't normally click on.
Customer: That's the left for me.
Tech Support: OK, click that.
Customer: With which hand?
(An actual computer tech support call)
||Posted - 01/15/2020 : 09:32:18 AM
Good one Rick.
||Posted - 01/15/2020 : 03:00:06 AM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff:
Spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Allie was left.
"Allie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Navy pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher.....
What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't MESS with Mommy when she's been drinking."
||Posted - 12/19/2019 : 07:40:20 AM
A circus owner runs an advert for a 'lion tamer wanted' and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history."
"Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor!! He says, "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The old golfer replies, "Possibly...but you've got to get that lion out of there first."
||Posted - 11/05/2019 : 06:33:49 AM
||Posted - 10/27/2019 : 8:19:11 PM
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred’ he replies.
‘Fred what?” the officer asks.
‘Just Fred’ the man responds. The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him again for a last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but he lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ’It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS with VD. Well the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
||Posted - 10/26/2019 : 02:18:13 AM
||Posted - 10/25/2019 : 07:37:08 AM
||Posted - 10/13/2019 : 07:15:11 AM
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need are two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
||Posted - 10/04/2019 : 07:39:15 AM
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
||Posted - 09/28/2019 : 06:14:32 AM
Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One student shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both have since flunked out and are now serving in the U.S. Congress.
||Posted - 09/28/2019 : 02:53:22 AM
Rick and Norton, thanks for the laughs!
||Posted - 09/26/2019 : 07:08:31 AM
Those damn Yankees just can't handle the good stuff!
||Posted - 09/25/2019 : 2:41:54 PM
Sorry for the length
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what is this
stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting loaded from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-pound woman is starting to look HOT...just
like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. Icrapped on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.**
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOE NAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. **Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? **
Judge # 3 - No Report....
||Posted - 09/25/2019 : 08:41:49 AM
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.